Kev - Hey guys, I’m just walking to the shops… you need anything? come with me if you like…it’s been a strange week hasn’t it? I suppose you could say that about every week, though … if you were so inclined … here we are … at my local shop… bit of local trivia for you : it’s called “The Corner Shop”, but it’s actually on a straight bit of the road.
*door opens, shop bell rings*
Hey, Mikey… you good?
Mikey - All good, mate. You after your "special" magazine?
Kev - SHHHh hahahahaha, good one, Mikey! I’ll just have a Pot noodle and … some Beef Hula Hoops, please.
Mikey - That all comes to *sound of till ringing up* absolutely nothing. Free of charge.
Kev - Really?
Mikey - Yeah. Just take it. In fact I’ll give you a hundred pounds. How about these as well? Chomp bars… back down to 10p. Like when you were a boy. Your favourite. Sherbet dips? I’ll throw those in for free as well…
Kev - Mate … are you sure??
Mikey - Oooh, and what about a lovely bottle of Scotch Whisky?? On the house! Free of charge!
Kev - Well … I mean … I don’t know why this is happening, but …
Mikey - It’s because you’re a good man, Kev, always sticking up for the people. And you’re also distractingly handsome, incredibly selfless, and just an all round diamond of a bloke. And real humble about it all.
Kev - Yeah … I … suppose that’s right. 100%
Mikey - Ok, bye.
Kev - Bye.
Kev - Well guys, it’s about time. All my efforts holding the big guys to account have finally started paying off…. Oh! Here’s my other good friend, Jimmy…
Jimmy - Hey Kev. Nice magazine… Oh Kate Winslet special, you like her don’t you…
Kev - Hahahah shhhhh.. Ahem…. This is Jimmy. The homeless man who sits outside the shop. I’m one of his best friends.
Jimmy - I’m not homeless.
Kev - Mate… what? you’ve been homeless for years…
Jimmy - You only started talking to me last week. And, “mate”, homelessness doesn’t exist… in fact… what even is homeless?
Kev - what?! What do you mean no homelessness? We always stand here and moan together. Sometimes I’ll give you a bit of bread I was saving for the ducks … we always slag off the government …
Jimmy - Government? What’s a … government?
Kev - The people that run the place… the people who are to blame for pretty much all this mess … wars … austerity …
Jimmy - Did anyone ever tell you how muscly you look, Kev? I really love your beard, too.
Kev - Thanks, I take after my mother…
Jimmy : Tell me again how much you love my giraffe legs, Kev? Stroke them the way you know I like it …
Kev : ahhh… shit … I’m dreaming again, aren’t I?
Jimmy - Only one way to know for sure, Kev …
Kev - *sigh* here goes nothing …
*sound of fly unzipping*
Jimmy - Is it... you know?
Kev - Yeah… definitely dreaming … bye…
*wavey music* wakes up…
Kev - Urrrgh! That was horrible … got drool all down my beard and everything … Sorry, two seconds...
Jimmy - WHAT?!
Kev - JIMMY!
Jimmy - WHAAAAAAAAT??!!
Kev - You still homeless, mate?
Jimmy - Course I fucking am! What's wrong with ya!?
Kev - Nothing, just dreamt I had a normal knob, and there was no government.
Jimmy - What??!!
Kev - Nothing. Do you want to go feed the ducks with me later??
Jimmy - Fuck off!!
Kev - *mumbles* - Suppose I might as well double check *unzips* Sad mumble… Introduce song.
NEWS READER : “And now it’s over to Simon, who’s hopefully not having too much of a “ruff” day over at Pawtastically’s Doggy Day Care…get it?? “Ruff” day?? *awkward pause* Are you there, Simon??”
SIMON ROVING : “Hello! Yes, I’m here at this local family business widely known for it’s rehabilitation programme for naughty dogs and their owners ... but we’re here today to get a sneak peek at they’re newest business expansion… I’m joined by Dave, the owner of Pawtastically’s.
Dave, I see a big office block being built in the background…? Are you expanding your kennels"
DAVE : “Well, we're proud of our skills here at Pawtastically’s Doggy Day Care, and we've decided they could be utilised training more than just dogs… and we’ve moved into now training businesses.”
SIMON : “Businesses??”
DAVE : “That’s right, Simon! If you've got a naughty business, bring them to us, and we'll get them back on the leash! .... here follow me … we've got a class just about to start over in the foyer..."
Cuts to foyer...
TRAINER : ”Sit. Stay. Now say thank you."
GROUP : "thank you"
SIMON : ”so who do we have here?"
DAVE : ”Well we have a range of bad businesses here... Over here, this is Topshop. She's a greedy girl, he aren’t you, eh??…”
SIMON : ”Not as greedy as that bald chap I suspect..."
DAVE : ”Yes, that's Amazon. He's a strange one. He’s eaten 14 employees this morning and no-one’s allowed to go for a toilet break when he’s around. Oh, and whatever you do DO NOT mention taxes … makes him very … bitey … HEY GOOGLE... ROLL OVER…. *angry barking* … we’ve got a lot more work to do with that one”
SIMON : “And who's that over in the corner? The mangy one that’s covered in their own shit…"
DAVE : “Ah, that's the NHS... they’re in a terrible state … I blame the owners ... mind you, you could say that about most of these here today, though”
SIMON : ”and who's that?"
DAVE : ”Oh that's Derek, I think he misunderstood the advert for Naughty businesses... don't look at him. Derek?! Put your trousers back on now ... how many times have we had to tell you?? Dirty bastard.”
The Great Egg White Jnr
Reporter - “So, I’m here with legendary producer, instagram a-lister, and multi-award winning musician, Egg-White Junior, for a little peek behind the wizard’s curtain. Egg-White, it’s an absolute pleasure to be here with you.”
Egg - “Pleasure’s all mine. Welcome to the studio.”
Reporter - “A little bird tells me you’re working on some new tracks. Can you tell us anything about what’s coming??”
Egg - “Well, I’m really focusing on transcending the boundaries of structure and melody to reach a new musical plateau. Somewhere we’ve never really been before, you know ...”
Reporter - “Sounds amazing. So, how would you describe the new stuff, man?”
Egg - “Describe it??”
Reporter - “What genre can we expect?”
Egg - “I don’t think ... um ... you know what ... it’s probably better if I just play a little bit, if that’s cool with you??”
Reporter - “Wow ... really? Are you being serious?? Ladies and gentleman, this is about to be a world exclusive right here on SKAT F.M! I’m ... I’m speechless ... (sounds of tape decks and equipment being plugged in).
... take it away, Egg-White Junior ...”
*Wild Screams, strange grunts, anxious panting, angry shrieks, wanking moans etc*
*Horror music building*
1 - We're going to send you outside.
2 - No. No...
1 - There's something out there....
No one can help you....
* child laughter*
2 - Please.
1 - It's coming for you...
*sobbing & running*
1 - Are you ready?
Of course you aren't.
2 - Please Please.
1 - You're going to fucking get it scumbag.
Don't let it into your ears...
CLOSE. YOUR. EYES.
2 - panting
1 - Don't listen to it. Its coming for you. It's going to change you.
IT'S GOING TO CHANGE YOU
2 - Don't. Don't!
1 - you're fucked
YOU ARE FUCKED
2 - No! No!!! No! Please!! No!!!
* Welcome to the news*
No! Not the news!! Please!! Not the news!!
Anything but the news!!
Arrrgh... Ahhhh... *Start to breathe easier* Catch breath*
2 - The government are doing a good job.
3 - you feeling ok mate?
2 - Sometimes war is necessary
3 - you what? jonny... that's not like you....
2 - the news
the news!! i love the news
1 - they've got him...
2 - But... But... I'm from this country... I was born here... it's not fair...
3 - you're... jonny?
1 - leave him... he's changed...
2 - Carling is a nice beer.
3 - Oh god.. You're proper fucked.
GARY'S ANGER MANAGEMENT! OK!
Gary - RIGHT!
FIRSTLY SCREW YOU SECONDLY I’M GARY FROM GARY’S ANGER MANAGEMENT AND THIRDLY SCREW YOU SOME MORE NOBHEAD!
IF YOU'VE GOT A F***ING PROBLEM WITH F***ING ANGER YOU F***KING C**T, YOU F***ING D*** SANDWICH T**T, THEN CALL MY NUMBER NOW!
I HAD ANGER ISSUES FOR YEARS BUT I'VE LEARNT HOW TO HANDLE IT NOW! LOOK! *punch*
Man - ARRRGH
THAT FEELS SO MUCH BETTER! CUUUUUU***********T! RIGHT!
SAY THE LINE!
Voice over guy - Ok Ok erm
Gary - SAY THE LINE YOU F***ING F***!
Voice over guy - Call Now And Use The Code S**t T**t for 30% off
Gary - Its 10 F***ING % off you you C**t!
Voice over guy - Sorry!
Gary - T**t! *Punch*
GARY'S ANGER MANAGEMENT! YOU UTTER UTTER BASTARDS!
Announcer - Bored out of your stupid mind?
Man - Yes I am. It's the same day after day.
Announcer - That's a shame. What do you usually do?
Man - I usually do what everyone does. Sudoku, a bit of TV, the occasional bit of epsionage, and then mainly staring at the wall. The same thing every day.
Announcer - Then we have just the thing for you!
ALL NEW! FROM WELBY SKANK INCORPORTATED!
SOME THING ELSE! *Reverb over this bit*
Boy - Papa, I'm so bored and fed up. I'm only 8 years old and life is already a drag for me.
Dad - Here son try *SOME THING ELSE* (reverb)
Boy - What's this? I hate it.
Boy - I love it. Thank you. *sobbing*
Announcer - It works in many situations. Don't like your partner?
Man - Boy o boy am I getting fed up with Sandra.
Announcer - TRY SOMETHING ELSE *reverb*
Man - AMAZING! I'M NOT BORED OF THIS ONE YET!
Announcer - YOU CAN EVEN TRY SOMETHING ELSE IN POLITICAL SITUATIONS
Man - I hate modern politics
Announcer - TRY SOMETHING ELSE
*Hitler Clip in Background*
Man - NO! BACK TO HOW IT WAS!
Announcer - Returns not accepted. Terms & Conditions Apply. Finished Product may bring dictators back from the dead.
Travel with Steven Cheesestilts
Announcer - And now we go over to our resident travel expert, Steven Cheesestilts... Steven I hear you're somewhere warm again this week you lucky old devil you!?
Steven - I am indeed. Welcome to Travel The World With Cheesestilts, I’m Steven Cheesestilts.
Now if like me, you’re worried about this virus, but you just can’t wait to go away on a lovely weekend trip. You’ll have a hard time finding somewhere warm, with low numbers of COVID and no cancer emitting 5G masts.
Which is why, I’m in the centre of the earth. Now it’s a little warmer than I had first anticipated, so be sure to bring at least Factor 80 sun shield.
Travel with Steven Cheesestilts
Announcer - And now we go over to our resident travel expert, Steven Cheesestilts... Steven I hear you’ve managed to delve into the culture in this recent trip?
Steven - I have indeed. Welcome to Travel The World With Cheesestilts, I’m Steven Cheesestilts.
Now if like me, you’ll see holiday as a perfect time to make new friends. Meeting folk in crisp humidity, with your best candles on. Sand between the feet. Learning new things. Getting involved in activities that the locals passionately follow.
Which is why I have now joined ISIS. Now you may want to bring a spare passport, as they do insist on taking yours from you in exchange for entry to this famous club. Also, if you’re planning on bringing your family, perhaps make sure your partner has at least a beginners understanding of Arabic, as you won’t spend much time with them during your weeks here.
I haven’t seen my wife in about a month.
with all this time at home at the moment my wife’s been suggesting that we try to experiment a little bit more.
Now, I’m all for furry hand-cuffs and blindfolds, but she’s insisting on all manner of pneumatic devices and inflatable beasts. I just don’t think I can inflict that level of self punishment, especially after noshing on your Nan’s fish pie.
There’s plenty left over, by the way, if you’ve not had your tea yet?
Lots of love, Grandad.”
Thanks grandad but I've already eaten. Say hello to gran for me, but tell her to put her bits away beforehand. I don't want you talking about me with no clothes on.
And by that I mean with you two with no clothes on, talking about me with clothes on. I have clothes on in this conversation, and I want you two to get dressed before you say hello to me.
In fact I'm getting fed up of you and nan being undressed whenever I nip over to see either of you.
There's no need for it, pop on some clothes. You don't need to see nan's breasts all the time, tell her to put a shirt on, and besides she's 87 so you'd be able to see them below the shirt line regardless.
“Dear, sir, I am writing to you to complain about the recent interview with one Mr.Egg White, regarding his newest musical enterprise. My wife makes extraordinarily similar sounds whenever she goes next door to help our neighbour, Arthur, rinse his haemorrhoids.
In fact she stays there most of the night making a very similar sort of racket, but you don’t see her on iTunes, Spotify, Google Play Store, and all other audio outlets like that new MUD show all the whipper-snapping cool kids are on about these days.
I was in a war!!”
I think I know your neighbour! My ex girlfriend made the same music with Arthur! And her mum! He's obviously a very good teacher... but none can give egg white a run for his money. I know egg white personally. He's very much the king of his genre. Very much the Cliff Richard of those types of sounds... I'd make sure your wife puts in a bit more practise before writing to me in such a way again.
Well because. I guess.
What the fuck
In your letters piece earlier in the month, you said dogs milk comes from dog cows. I just wanted to let you know, you're a smelly hippy and your mums a dog cow.
All the best,
Kenneth Microwave III
Thanks for that Kenneth you absolute bell piece, I'm not a hippy I look ridiculous with long hair. Also, if my mums a dog cow, your mum is a dog and a cow. Like a cow with a dogs face. But still got a cows arse. Which is definatley the worst way round. I'd definatley rather have a cows face and a dogs body... rather than a dogs face and a cows body.
Saying that though your mum would have a big cows smelly arse, and cow milk on tap, she would be able to bite people, which i still dont think is as good as having the body of a greyhound, dog milk on tap, and be able to give people a good stab with the horns... although maybe the head would be too heavy for the dogs body, so the horns might get stuck in the ground and people could nick all the dog milk while the dog cow's stuck...
Email in to email@example.com and let us know, what you think. Personally I'd go for cows head, dog's arse given the choice.