Neil - Kidknap : 2
Crimewatch : Seargent Crim
Ello Ello : 1



Local Press

*sfx knock knock*


Journalist - hello are you mr mud?

Kev - Oh a fan! Here have an autograph… ive got some ready just here…

Journalist - no… I’m from the local newspaper…

Kev - oh…you took your time…  have an autograph anyway…

Journalist - who’s autograph is it?

Kev - Mine…

Journalist - why do you have an autograph… are you famous? i dont recognise you..

Kev - i do my own podcast… where I put the world to rights… you wont recognise my face, maybe my voice, here listen to this… “hello”…no?

Journalist - can i come in mr mad?

Kev - mud… yes come in… you took your time… i rang three days ago…

Journalist - yes sorry… there were a few other stories we had to get through first…


Kev - more important than a local man… me… getting hit round the head with a fucking bat due to my political standing?

Journalist - yeah

Kev - what was so important then?

Journalist - *cough* erm… there was a village fete, but that was rained off… an arson attack on a shop..

Kev - Mickey’s shop?

Journalist - Yep…

Kev - That was a small fire in the ashtray outside… it went out when me mate Jimmy pissed on it… these stories are more important than me nearly dying?

Journalist - OH! There was a story about a dog that mysteriously lost two of its legs and the end of its snout…

Kev - Oh… well that is horrible… who would do that to a poor animal… did you find out what happened its legs?

Journalist - yeah… it was just sitting down strange.. its legs were under its body the whole time…

Kev - for fuck sake… and its snout?

Journalist - turned out it was a cat… we didnt actually talk to the owners… we just saw a photo of it on our editors phone and two and two made five… slow news day so you know we were scraping the barrel…

Kev - fuck me… well youre here now…

Journalist - so what happened?

Kev - basically i got twatted round the back of the head with a bat…

Journalist - what sort of bat? a sports bat?

Kev - What other types of bat are there? yes a sports bat…

Journalist - which sport?

Kev - i dont know…

Journalist - shall we say cricket…?

Kev - i dont know what it was… i was knocked unconcious…

Journalist - so if you were unconcious how do you know you were knocked out?

Kev - eh? i heard someone run up to me, and bang i was on the floor… i got hit round the head…

Journalist - how did you know it was a bat?

Kev - because a few people who i think could have done it… theyre all feeble weaklings… weak in mind body and character… they would have needed a bat or something to get the job done… bloody wankers the lot of them… they make me sick just thinking about their ugly faces… bastards…


Journalist - why would they want to knock you out?

Kev - I have no idea… im never even the slightest bit rude about them…


Journalist - right… what sort of topics do you talk about on this radiopod?

Kev - podcast… loads of things… cats, dogs, dominic cummings… loads and loads about corrupt politicians… media bias…


Journalist - media bias?


Kev - yeah…


Journalist - what do you mean by that?


Kev - well… i’m not taking it back… its true.. you lot are to blame as well

Journalist - mr mad

Kev - MUD!


Journalist - Mr Mud… I report on village fetes and road closures around the church… im hardly propping up evil …

Kev - whatever… Im not going to say anything else now… you’re annoyed that i said that… and you’re going to write bad things about me…

Journalist - well I’ll be going then mr Mad…

Kev - its Mud! i’m not Mad! I’m not fucking mad… ok! im normal!


Journalist - right ok Mr Mud. I need to go.

Kev - no. not before  give you my side of the story…

Journalist - let me go…

Kev - no!


Journalist - let me go!

*scuffle and fall - bangs head - snoring*

Kev - SHIT! Ive knocked him out…
Here mate *lays him on bed* ill tuck you in until you wake up… nice and cosy *kiss* sorry about that…

do people shit themselves when theyre knocked out? ive gotta sort this out…
i’ll be back after this…


Kev - well that was pretty mental…
hes still in my bed… ive had to totally cover him up with the duvet… i dont want to be able to see him… makes me feel wierd… i dunno why i handcuffed him to the radiator though… got a bit carried away…

im a bit worried about it to be honest.. what if he wakes up? he writes in the local paper… he’ll make me look a right knob… he’ll say i kidnapped him… which is mental because im sure with kidnappers it has to be like over an hour or something… besides hes a sleep… cant kidnap someone whos asleep… if you can then Central rail kidnapped me two christmases ago when i slept past my stop and ended up having a big cry and a nap in the toilets in newcastle burger king…
lets pop on some telly… see if that helps wake him… plus I have an advert booked to play out tonight in the local area… be exciting to see what it looks like…

TV tuning… HNNY…

*Two Thuggish guys and Kev. Scene to be cut up and placed over HNNY - Sunday*



k - hello… whos that


door opens


1 - you know who fucking is



k - oh jesus fuck… why you here


2 - haha We were int he area… thought wed give you a visit



k - who sent you?



2. never you mind



k. -erm… you wanna drink



1 - no we dont want a drink mate… hahahaha not with you… come here…



k - get off me….

pushes back

2 - calm down


k - dont fucking touch me


scuffle.. things getting knocked over throughout



1 - Oi




k - fuck off… leave me alone


1 - is that microphone recording over there?


k - no


2 - thats your last podcast for a while kev


k - what do you mean… what are you gunna do…?


k - get off me… please…


2 - stop struggling….


k - -please… what can I do??


1 - christ… youre heavy arent you?


k - Yeah well everytime I go round to your mothers house she gives me a biscuit…


1 - wanker


journalist - "arrrgh what happened? you knocked me out!"


kev - “ITS MUD


2 - Stop struggling


k  - then get the fuck off me nobhead


2 - you calling me a nob head?!… Wheres that tape… lets do everyone a favour


k - look guys i’ve only told them a few bits… i didnt tell them what I actually know… ive been pissing about… talking about like… cats bum holes and dominic cummings being a bell end… that’s all… please… i havent mentioned anything important…

SFX tape


k - no no!!




1 - finally peace and fuckign quiet


1 - can you go and check if anyones outside… we need to get him in the van


2 - Yeah sure…


1 - you were told to be quiet… still… quiet now aren’t ya…


k - mumbles


1 - what was that?


k - mumbles


1  - mocks mumbling back and laughs no ones listening… as usual hahaha


2 - right no one out there… dead quiet… lets go…


carrying and dragging noises


2 - look at the state of this place… youre revolting you know that…

*door shuts

Song merges into TV static..


*Bertie & Derek are serious crimewatch, watchdog style guys, Seargent Flatbottom talks to everyone like they're kids... "NAUGHTY BOY!" style*

Bertie - "Police are looking for two men... one with a dogs mouth, and his acomplice had... what appears to be a seaguls foot... If you have any information, call Curtain Twitchers Anonymous on 999999999991 9.... Now over to Derek Dinnertime for this weeks top stories..."

Derek - "Thank you Bertie... and now for our top story … a dikhead  has been kidknapped from his house in the midlands, only mere days after being proper twatted and kncked spark out.  all for an argumentitive loudmouth on facebook... we're not calling out for witnesses, we just wanted to say... good job that man.." We are joined now by Anikka Crim, Cheif Commissioner of UK Police.

Seargeant Crim, what do you make of the current rise in tensions and even violence in the British population between those with differing poltiical views?

Flatbottom - They all need to stop being so naughty!

Derek - Well of course...

Flatbottom - You're all being very bad! Silly billies all of you!

Derek - I mean they are all being silly billies but do we need more of a plan and some leadership perhaps?

Flatbottom - I think so. Anyone up to any mischeif will get told of for being ….


Derek - Seargeant, don't you think we need to treat these people like adults and maybe..


Derek - Sorry?

Flatbottom - Come here!

Derek - Ouch!

Flatbottom - I'm going to smack your botty you naughty TV person... *Slap* STOP


Derek - Oww!

Flatbottom - *slap* Being!

Derek - Ouch!

Flatbottom - *slap* A

Derek - MUMMY!

Flatbottom - *Slap* Silly

Derek - Stooooop

Flatbottom - *Slap* Billy!

Derek - *Crying*

Flatbottom - What are you?

Derek - *Crying*

Flatbottom - What are you?

Derek - A silly billy.

Flatbottom - Yes, yes you are....


Gordon Ramseys A & E Nightmare - Already Recorded

Ello Ello Ello

*Set in a modern police station.

Both officers and the crook are standard english accents... no voice acting needed really... run of the mill working class british...*


*SFX. Prison cell unlocking*


Officer 1 - Come on then mate… time to get you signed in… you’ve been arrested before is says here…


Crook - yeah…


Officer 1 - so you know how this works?


SFX Door Opens


Officer 2 - Hello Officer..


Officer 1 - Evening…


Officer 2 - so sir… can you give me your first and last names, and spell them for me preciesely, thank you.


Crook - ok so pablo.






Officer 2 - uh huh


Crook - O.


Officer 2 - Thank you… and your surname?


Crook - Picasso





Officer 2 - Sorry Pablo Picasso?


Crook - Yes mate





Officer 2 - You’re not… Oi! Look at me.. BLOODY HELL!


Crook - What?!


Officer 2 - What is wrong with your face?


Crook - Oh… thats lovely that isn’t it. A perfect example of the typical bruuutish behaviour we’ve come to expect from the establishment. 


Officer 2 - Well its hardly like I’m not going to say something is it? Your nose is where your ear should be.


Crook - Rude AND uncultured. This is ART officer. 


Officer 2 - Whatever mate… I thought Picasso was dead.


Crook - Ha. Call yourself a detective do we Sherlock?


Officer 1 - Enough of that. Come with me.


SFX manhandling the crook


Crook - Easy on mate!


Officer 2 - Pop him in cell 9… AND KEEP AN EYE ON HIS THIS TIME!

You turned your back on the last guy and within ten seconds he’d’ cut his own bloody ear off!


*Fed up guy reading adverts out on a shitty local channel.. giving it hardly any effort*

And now over to our ultra cheapo ads… 

First up its this…
Are you hungry? want something fast to fulfil those cravings?
From the guys who bought you bread… its all new toast! *blows party streamer*
Just get bread, and add heat. Hey presto! Toast! *

For those on the go, it comes as a default in a handy square form, making it perfect for the busy businessman’s suit pocket… *
toast *blows party streamer* its warmer than bread.

Secondly we have erm…. Mad… sorry Mud…
It says *clears throat*
Mud in a deep voice Season two…

Oh I mean… [in a deep voice] 'MUD' season two is being made now… keep your ears peeled to find out more.. make sure youre subscribed on whatever platform you usually listen on, and visit to get in touch and follow the guys on their social media accounts. Mud is a....

Wait a minute… I think I know this guy… guys a moron.. screw the rest of his advert!


*Cheese stilts two - already recorded*


*Snap Up - Already recorded*

*Ending. Journalist wakes up and starts making noises calling for help* End.